What’s Up With That? is a blog series in which I explore how I have been feeling and some of life’s most important questions. These posts are unedited (apart from the odd spelling mistake) and not pre thought about. They are what’s on my mind during the ten minutes that I take to write about them.
I believe that blogging is more than typing away about beauty and skincare. It is more than commenting on scandalous gossip and Hollywood’s sexiest shenanigans. I believe that blogging is more powerful than that, it is why I have moved away from a beauty focus to instead writing these types of posts which I hugely enjoy and have actually stuck to.
My biggest hope for this blog is that it continues to become an extension of myself. That I pour who I am into it and string together these jumbled, confused lines and turn them into words that have an impact on somebody other than myself. That they help those that need them the most. And sometimes, like this time, I might sit down and write to help myself. As there are times when I feel that I can’t reach out to others because they have their own pain and sorrow and grief and misery and hurt to cope with. I don’t want to lay my burden on their shoulders too. So instead I chose to pour it out here. I hope that you do not mind.
I feel that grief is a funny thing. Especially when it is something that you experience at a youngish age. People try to tell me that it is something that you should learn about in school but I do not agree. No one can prepare you for it. Not one little bit. It is cruel and it will mangle us with it’s endless torment. To think that you can prepare for it is foolish. The idea that someone could explain what it might, one day, someday, maybe feel like is laughable. You can not imagine its cold fingered grip until it has plunged deep within you. Each time it will feel unique. Each time it will feel just as hard. Each time it will feel like a little bit of you has disappeared forever.
It is wrong to think that people will grieve in the same way that you do-that one size fits all- because when you lose someone, each person that knew that person has lost somebody different- a mother, a father, a grandparent, a best friend, a lover. They have represented different things to individuals and they would have helped them, supported them and loved them in different ways too. Because of this everybody is going to miss them in a different way. I can not write about others experiences. I can only write my own.
I think that the thing that has surprised me the most about going though this horrible time is that it has taught me a lot about who I am as a person. It has taught me that I function best when I take life slowly. I need to be in the moment. When I am hurting it is best that I break life down into days, hours, minutes, even seconds. That is what helps me get through the present and it is what helps me get back to thinking about the future once again. I found that I preferred to be by my own and to express myself through writing and reading and to find solace in these places. It helps things to click and start to make sense again. I have found my way back to writing poetry, to going for long walks with nothing but a cup of lavender tea and of course taking shelter in a bubbly bathtub.
Yes I found support being surrounded by my family but I found that I made how I was feeling disappear with helping my dad deal with losing his mum, my sisters their grandmother. I learnt that in order to help others sometimes we have to help ourselves first. That to be selfish is selfless.
Yes I needed to shut myself away for a little bit but sometimes I also needed someone to be there with me too. I will fear that forever I will be a bloody oxymoron. I needed someone to just exist with me. I wasn’t looking for somebody to share their words and messages of hope but instead I just wanted a little of their time, a little of their company and a little of their silence. This meant such an incredible amount to me and I am beyond grateful to all of my wonderful friends who got it. That sat with me. That simply held my hand.
I think that sometimes people are made to feel ashamed when they grieve. That it is something that they have to hide away and keep private. It makes other people feel uncomfortable and the idea that we can talk out loud about how we are feeling is discouraged. If somebody is hurting then that is something that we must let them experience and get through in whatever way that they can- because no way is an easy one. They are all terribly hard. I will never believe in shoving things under the rug because that’s when things for me get so much worse. I had done it for far too long in the past and things began to spiral out of control. I thought that I was being strong. Instead I was becoming the opposite. I was crumbling.
It wasn’t until I actually acknowledged how I was feeling that the little ray of hope, that will always exists within us, even when we think that it has been extinguished for ever, starts to come back.
I know that this is something that is never going to go away. It is something that I will always feel. I think the weirdest feeling for me, one month on, is feeling that the person that I have lost is just on a holiday or because I have never lived with them, I get the feeling that we will still see them at Christmas or at family events. Then I get a stab of pain and I am reminded of the permanence of death. It is this that really restarts the feelings of sadness and pain and immeasurable loss.
I want you to know that if you have lost someone recently then you are not alone. There are resources and people out there that can help you. If you feel trapped by the dark please get in touch with me and I will do everything that I can to guide you back. Grief doesn’t have to be this horrible negative thing that is shameful. This is something that you live with and it will become a part of you but I do not think that this is a bad thing or something that we need to run away from.
It is something that I have learned will walk alongside me but it is not something that will define every aspect of who I am. It is not something that will take over. Instead it is something that I have learned from and will continue to learn from. I think that this is my great healthy place to be.
If you have lost someone recently I would love it if you shared how you have dealt with this because maybe, just maybe, your words might help somebody else. They may provide comfort, ease of mind and above all things they might restore hope. Only do this if you feel comfortable doing so but I would love if this tiny community could help and learn from one another. I think that this is beautiful, brave and courageous and is worth a million times more to me than comments on the latest much coveted eye palette.
So here is to you Dolly May, you absolute blessing of a person. Thank you for the way that you loved me.
Let us spread hope.
In hope and with hope,