What’s Up With That// Doubting Myself

What’s Up With That is a blog series where I explore how I have been feeling and some of life’s most important questions. These posts are unedited (apart from the odd spelling mistake) and not pre thought about. They are what’s on my mind during the ten minutes that I take to write about them.

I’m sat here feeling nervous about writing this post but didn’t someone once say that doing what you are scared of is a must or something or other! I find it super hard to be vulnerable. I hate the process but I always feel so much better afterwards but never actually during it. I think that this comes from hiding so much back from the people that care about me as I have never wanted to impose my unhappiness, negativity or problems onto them. It makes me feel so guilty when I do.

I chose to talk about self-doubt today because I have come to learn many things about what it means to me.

A few months ago I was taken by surprise during one of my Well-Being lessons that I was teaching to my 11 year old students. We were talking about confidence and self-esteem and I asked them to write about somebody that they thought were really confident and has positive self-esteem and why they thought that. Their answers were sweet. They included: The Queen, Parents, God, Beyoncé  and to my complete surprise 5 of them had written about me! I was a bit taken aback by this as I had not expected it at all and then I sat down to think why they might have chosen to write about me and it suddenly clicked. The woman that I present to my students is very ‘together’. She smiles at everyone as they walk past her in the corridors and wishes the whole world a good morning. She takes the time to ask if they are OK or to see what they got up to at the weekend. I don’t allow myself to have any doubts or feel vulnerable in the classroom because those teenagers are my priority when I am with them. Man it is hard to be a teenager in 2016…but that is content for another blog post.

So to the 5 11 year olds that wrote about me I am the most confident person that they can think of and I found a lot of pressure with that. The next lesson I made sure to talk about how I am not always confident and have bad days, weeks, months, hell even years too. Nobody is perfect or feels perfect for a lot of the time!

Over the past few months I have been consumed by this feeling that ‘I can’t do anything right’ and it made me feel dreadful! I had no confidence in the decisions that I was making and it was like I was falling into a rabbit hole that just had no bottom. I just kept falling and falling and falling. I was pushing people away from me, as I was scared that I would loose them completely otherwise. How could I be a good friend when I wasn’t being good to myself?

It wasn’t so much always an external problem. My work wasn’t slipping. I still smiled at everyone but inside I was tearing myself apart. It changed my sleeping patterns, I began to eat unhealthily again and the gym was a no go zone.

One night at the start of December 2015, after about 2 months of feeling like this, I sat up in bed and decided that I had enough. I dug through my pile of notebooks and I began to journal how I was feeling everyday to see if any patterns emerged. After just one month of doing this there is so much that I have learnt and I thought I would share it with anyone that might find it useful.

I am delicate and sensitive

Especially in a time of doubting myself. Whenever anyone had feedback for me or even said anything I would be ultra sensitive to it and I found that I felt very effected by everything that people were saying to me and dealt with it in a pretty negative way. It made me want to get intouch with myself to see why I was feeling so wounded and so hurt by these things that were being said to me that were not meant to be hurtful.

Doubting myself and stress are two very different things

This may not apply to everyone but for me…

Stress- I feel that I have stress a lot of the time. It is like I am wound up into a tight ball of frenzy and what writing for a month has shown me is that this stems from feeling that there is nothing meaningful and fulfilling in my life and ultimately feeling like I don’t have any worth.

Self Doubt- I have so much in my life that I love and is meangful and fulfilling to me and I am so excited about so many different things that I don’t want to mess it up. And I am so afraid of messing it up! It is fear. The fear of failing, letting myself down and the fear of letting those that I love and care about down.

The Unknown

I think that with the unknown comes a cycle of fear and with that self-doubt. Possibility is both wonderful and terrifying. Its freaking scary knowing that there are so many things that could happen and so many things that couldn’t happen. How are you supposed to wrap your mind around that?

We must all start taking a chance on ourselves and leaning over the edge of uncertainty because leaning over that edge can spark spectuaclar realizations and ignite the fire within us all.

Be present

Over the past month I have learnt how important it is for me to be present and in the moment and to really experience everything that I feel inside to its fullest- this self doubt, the questioning, the processing and getting out at the other end with these really great realizations and the excitement of possibility instead of being afraid of it.

Doubt is a natural  part of life and it isn’t something that is going to go away forever but now I feel as if this process has given me a bigger grasp on how to get through it the next time and that in the end everything is going to be OK!

image

Please do let me know what self-doubt means to you. It would really mean a lot!

 

Follow:
Share:

6 Comments

  1. Underthepaintedface
    January 11, 2016 / 10:31 pm

    Hi Sophie – such a very open and honest post, in spite of your self-doubt you must know that you inspire others. High functionality is something that people with some of the worst fears and doubts have in common. I certainly feel it is very important to not let the cracks show, even when inside is a very sore and pulpy mess. Why though? Self-esteem is definitely very significant – I think to myself, why should anyone have to deal with my mess? All I want to portray to the world is the smile, the positive stuff. Friends and family have their own worries and I would always want them to feel they could share them with me and come to me for support, but I dread ‘being the burden’ to them. I have spent a lot of time lately trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to sort through some very doubting, negative and dominating thoughts – as for you, it has also manifested itself phhsically in lots of ways. I have never tried journalling before but, having read your blog, I think I will give it a try. Love xx

    • January 12, 2016 / 8:28 pm

      Thanks for the comment Loz! I would really suggest giving journaling a go! It hasn’t fixed anything but has helped me to work through what is going on far quicker and has helped me to acknowledge how I am feeling! Plus I write in a glittery unicorn notebook which always helps. All the love in the world. xx

  2. January 12, 2016 / 8:21 am

    Self doubt – questioning “can I really do this” the overwhelming feeling is no I can’t. Then the tendency to want to shy away from that thing.

    Or really wanting to emmerse yourself into something whole heartedly but fearing it might not meet your expectation or be as successful as you’d hoped.

    It’s always finding reasons as to why something may not go accordingly. But I’ve told myself to give it everything and gain confidence and strength through the fact that that at least I gave it everything. Too often we have self doubt don’t try something and then the feeling of regret is worse than the feeling of self-doubt

  3. January 12, 2016 / 6:34 pm

    As a teacher I completely relate to this. In front of my class I’m this outgoing, confident, bubbly and energetic character but as soon as the kids leave at the end of the day and it’s just me I quickly go back into my shell of constant self-doubt and low self esteem. This was such an honest and lovely post to read, I love the idea of living in the present. I’ve just followed you on Bloglovin, can’t wait to read more of your blog :)
    Becky; http://www.rebeccamarie.co.uk xxx

    • January 12, 2016 / 7:10 pm

      Thank you so much for your really lovely (and very honest too) comment! It really does mean so much when people stop by. You are also my 100th Bloglovin follower YAY! If you don’t already do try writing down how you feel. It hasn’t made me ‘better’ but it helped me work through a lot! Sophie xx

  4. January 13, 2016 / 6:49 pm

    Thank you for sharing such a personal post. I too have a massive fear of the unknown. I think that sometimes you doubt yourself the most when you are so close to achieving something new and exciting and we just have to learn to post through the fear and doubt! This year my goal is to be braver!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>